I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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