He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
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You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
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She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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