yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
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I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
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If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize