Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
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I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
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Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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