so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
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i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
There's always time for handjobs
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
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Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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