I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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