I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Your shirt... Was in my pants
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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