I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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