When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
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Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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