so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He's a Shit stain on my heart
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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