It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
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I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
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URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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