Your mouth is God's brothel.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
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Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
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I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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