Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
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he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
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I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
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