getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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