It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
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they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
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what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Randomize