Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
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Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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