the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
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