My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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