I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
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The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
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he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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