Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
there's paper in my vomit.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
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