so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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