Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize