If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
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Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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