My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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