I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
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His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
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Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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