Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
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So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
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