i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
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Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
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Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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