I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
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She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
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WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
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