I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
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You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
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What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
The Olympian is in my bed
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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