I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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