We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
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He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
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