my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
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You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
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I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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