so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
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You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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