What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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