I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
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Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
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She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
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