i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
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The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
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If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
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