I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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