Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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