everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
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