i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
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All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
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I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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