Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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