dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
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You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
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I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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