I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
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She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
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I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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