Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
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on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
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I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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