I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize