why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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