My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
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We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
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you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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