I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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