That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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