ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
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Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
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I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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